WRITING DRAFT
Having A Enjoyable Time Playing Dodge-ball
Having A Enjoyable Time Playing Dodge-ball
The doorbell rang and there she was, Trinity was at my door. We walked out to the tramp and grabbed the ball so we could start playing dodge-ball. Trinity hopped on the tramp and was jumping so I told her if she was ready. I threw the ball and it nearly hit her. I ran to the ball and picked up the ball again and threw it as carefully as I could the ball got her. I had a thrill inside me when the ball hit her as I didn’t think I was that great at aiming. I jumped on the trampoline I was nervous, I was jumping really high so I could not get hit I kept on dodging the ball like a pro. Until something happened.
It was the next turn I was hoping that I could jump and miss the ball but I was so scared I didn’t I got hit again. I ran and hurried off really fast and spirited to the ball I threw it at Trinity but it miss her. I kept trying my hardest to get her it was like ten turns later and I finally got her.I hopped on the tramp and said ‘i’m ready’ she threw the ball and I ran while being on the tramp to dodge the ball. She threw the ball some more times and then the ball hit me.
Trinity hopped on the tramp and I questioned “should we have a drink break” she replied “sure” we went inside to grab a cup of water. 5 minutes later we went back outside to play a delightful game of dodge-ball. We kept on playing it was like 6 o'clock I was trying my hardest playing, we were still playing but it was so dark. When I was on the trampoline and Trinity was getting me with the ball I could honestly not see her, so when she was throwing the ball I didn’t know where it was coming from. It was like 7:00 P.M. everything was dark At the end to me there was no winners then Trinity had to go home I walk her home. I then ran back to my house to rest for the night.
Kayla, this was a very thrilling story to read. I enjoyed reading about your accomplishments with dodge-ball. I liked the way you invented a new way of playing dodge-ball while jumping up and down on the tramp. Could you please add more describing words about how you felt during your time with your friend.
ReplyDeleteI fixed that thanks
DeleteI really liked how you started your story but what you just need to fix the part how you said"I run to the ball and picked it up"you need to say ran to the ball other than that it's good.
ReplyDeleteI fixed that thanks
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DeleteKia Ora Kayla.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your recount quite a lot.
There were a whole lot of present tense words, since this is a recount, those words should be past tense.
I'm still the Sockburn dodgeball champ. No questions.
Other than the present / past tense words, great writing.
Hello Kayla,really liked how you included your friend trinity. What i really liked was u made paragraphs for each bit of writing. next time u could say who won when u were playing doge ball.
ReplyDeleteI fixed that thanks
Deletehi Kayla i really like how you included your friend Trinity what i really liked was your paragraphs for each bit of your writing next you can add who won and how did you feel after your friend went home
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